it's horrible

that painful feeling, you can't do anything, you can just wait and hope for the best. like looking at him trying not to die. except i'm not looking at him because i'm away, far,  and i have to work. if i didn't have that loan, i'd go now, forget about work or obligations and be with him. i'm angry because i can't do anything, some people say it's in the hand of god, but i don't believe in god so i guess it's in his hands to try not to die and stay alive so he can see us have a career, have children, get married... i'm angry because if this god exists why he is not doing anything, why will he want to make us cry. please god help him, no. please fate help him and i don't want to believe it will be over soon, it can't. it just can't be finished. not like that. i don't want to. he never came to ireland. he never saw where i was living. he never saw me lighting a gig. or setting up climbing ladders and fixing plugs.

i don't want it to be finished. not yet.